On Assuming Responsibility

First:

toothpastefordinner.com

:)

Next:

So much in life
we feel stuck in the middle of something.
Being in the middle leads us to feeling the need
to make sure that each side is balanced and...well. and safe. and...happy.

But as soon as reality hits, you have to realize
that it isn't in your control. From the middle, you have influence
but no control over the way either side of the balance feels.
and it isn't your responsibility for it, anyway.

It reminds me of growing up.
My dad would drink and drink and drink and
then promise to not do it again
and smooth talk his way into regaining trust
and excuse himself with his wordsmithing
and manipulation. And his "I love you"'s
Then there was my mom. Who had the perpetuating
issue and saying... "if I talk to him about it,
he'll use it as an excuse to go do it again,
and it will just be worse.
if I don't talk to him about it... everyone around
here is winding up hurt and afraid. And, really, I just wish
he'd pay attention to me and when I tell him that
I made us a dinner at 6...that he wouldn't be at
the bar w/ his work buddies until 2. But, there's
a plate ready for you in the fridge for when you Do
decide to come home."

Where am I going with all of this?
Back to the assumption of responsibility.
It was/has/will never be my responsibility to make excuses for someone.
It was/has/will never be something i have to be in the middle again,
acting as a bumper to focus on instead of the actual issue at hand.
It will never be my responsibility to negate my own feelings,
desires, values, ......or emotions for the sake of this balancing act.

I especially remember the responsibilities that my sisters and
I would assume for each other. Even if I ... stole Amie's CDs
and ended up scratching her favorite one...she might give me
a good older sibling lesson, but when it came time
for dad to come around, the stories changed the responsibility
for one another, with full understanding of the position each
of us were in, became clear.
We would protect. Even if it meant a sacrifice of ourselves
we would protect.
But that is completely a choice
and generally the best choice a person could make in the given situation.

I suppose its just something to look out for and be aware of.
I do still see it In academics (especially group projects)
I will assume the responsibility
to make sure the group as a whole has loose ends tied up
even if it means I don't sleep for two nights.
Its something that's been nurtured in me
and whether its for better or for worse...
who knows.

But I'm aware.